71 - Chore Wars - Bedroom Edition: A Six-Step Strategy for a Tidy Room When Kids Resist

Tackling the age-old parenting challenge of getting kids to do their chores requires a systematic approach rather than nagging or giving up. We explore a six-step process focused on bedroom cleanup that can transform your family's approach to household responsibilities.

• Breaking down "clean your room" into specific tasks like making the bed, putting clothes in hamper, and picking up toys
• Creating separate lists for daily versus weekly tasks to make expectations more manageable
• Letting children choose when they'll complete their chores (morning, evening, specific days for weekly tasks)
• Setting up clear consequences tied to things kids value rather than making up punishments in the moment
• Working as a team with your children to create the system rather than imposing it on them
• Taking a focused approach by solving one area at a time rather than trying to fix all chore problems simultaneously

Try this approach with bedrooms first, then apply what works to other areas of your home. Remember we're experimenting together with our kids to find what works for our unique family.

LINK to "Energy Drain Ideas" on Mary's website: ENERGY DRAIN IDEAS

Email me at mary@parentingdecoded.com or go to my website at www.parentingdecoded.com. 

Have a blessed rest of your day!

Transcript

Welcome to Parenting Decoded, the podcast for practical approaches to parenting. I’m Mary Eschen.

Today we’re diving into a question that’s as old as time itself:

Why won’t our kids do their chores?!

If you’re like most parents, you’ve tried everything. You’ve got colorful chore charts plastered around the house. You’ve listened to my podcast Episode 14 and set up appropriate chores for the age of your kids.  You’ve established that your family is made up of team players.  You’ve clearly explained what needs to be done. But somehow… the chores just aren’t getting done.

Not on time. Not done well. Sometimes not even started.

You ask, “Why not?” And you hear:

• "I don't know how!"
• "I'm too little."
• "I don't have time — I need to study!"
• "I'm playing!"
• "I'm hungry… I'm tired…"

And before you know it, you’re nagging. You’re yelling. Or you’re just doing it all yourself because, honestly, it's faster and easier.

Sound familiar?

So… what’s a frustrated, overworked parent to do?

We change things up!  We need to try something different and experiment with our kids about how to make chores “work” for our family.   Instead beating ourselves up when we don’t get cooperation on all the chores that aren’t being done, we’re going to just take one area and run experiments and tweak things until our kids can be responsible for that smaller set of tasks.  We take it one area at a time. Step by step. Win by win.

In this podcast we’re going to start with a common battleground: BEDROOMS. 🎉 There are six steps to solving our bedroom cleanup challenge.  Here goes!

Step 1: Break It Down

As a parent we want to just say “Clean your room” and have it be done, right?  However, that “Clean your room” is made up of different tasks.  Break them down!  Sit in the bedroom of each child and come up with a list of what all the different tasks are that need to be taken care of. Be specific! Your list might be something like this:

• Make the bed
• Open the blinds
• Put dirty clothes in the hamper
• Put clean clothes away
• Pick up toys
• Take hamper to the laundry room
• Throw away trash
• Empty the trash can

Some of you have such lists already.  That’s great but I want you to still sit down and go over the list with each child and take notes about what they think.  Including them will get buy in as we go through the rest of this process.  Remember, you’re a TEAM and this is Step 1.

Step 2: Choose Timelines That Work

What really needs to be done daily? What can be weekly?

Here’s an example of how one mom broke it down:

Every Morning (Daily):

• Make the bed (just a tidy-up, not military precision!)
• Open blinds

Every Evening (Daily):

• Put dirty clothes in the hamper
• Pick up toys
• Throw away trash

Weekly:

• Put clean clothes away
• Empty the garbage can
• Take hamper to laundry room

We want to recognize that not all tasks need to be done “now” or “today”.  

Step 3: Decide WHEN tasks are done for each time period

This is big: Let them help choose when things get done. It gives them ownership and choices and we know that kids love choices. 

Try asking:

• Morning chores: When will you do them? After breakfast? Before brushing teeth?
• Evening chores: Before bed? Before books? After bath?
• Weekly chores: What day and time works for them and what time works for you? Saturday morning? Sunday after lunch?

My boys chose to do their weekly chores on Sunday afternoons.  Their morning chores they did as they woke up.  Evening chores were before dinner was served. 

Step 4: Set up Consequences

Now, you need to document what happens if chores aren’t done.  Let your kids help decide what happens!  Don’t be caught tossing out consequences off the top of your head.  Your kids will just be resentful, and the chores will always be owned by you, not them. 

The trick is to tie chores to things they value which is otherwise known as setting boundaries or loving limits.  I’m going to say this is Level 1 Consequences.  This is when the kids are just dragging their feet but aren’t defiant.  Your Level 1 Consequence list will have things like:

LEVEL 1 Consequences:

• "Books are read at bedtime after evening chores are done."
• "Computer time starts after chores are finished."
• "Parents drive kids to soccer practice when afternoon chores are done."

However, Level 2 Consequences need to be available when kids refuse to do them.  Your team needs a way to know that not being a team player has consequences.  The best consequences are ones your kids set up for themselves, that they know ahead of time and where it’s clear.  So, with your kids ask for suggestions about what their consequences will be.  Here’s an example of what one dad and his middle schoolers came up with:

Level 2 Consequences:

• One missed round? The parent will do the job and the child can pick either:
  • from a list of pre-established make-up chores called “Energy Drain Ideas” or 
  • pay the parent money for the job done from the posted pricelist of parent performed jobs  (make bed, $2; hamper to laundry room on Thursdays $5) 
• Two misses? 
  • Two days of no screen time and the child needs to provide make up chores to the parent
• Three or more? 
  • No computer for a week — or until enough makeup chores are done to even things out and the child needs to provide makeup chores again

That’s just one parent did.  He was really up front, and he worked WITH his kids to establish this which is what I want you to do.  

The goal isn’t punishment — it’s teaching accountability.  This dad had to tweak things a few times, but it really worked out well for them.  When my boys were in high school and were money motivated, I posted a list of what it cost for mom to do their jobs for them.  I picked prices such that my boys were likely to pick from the Energy Drain Idea list instead of paying me but they had choices and… kids love choices.  Right?

Step 5: Post the Chart & GO!

Put up the full plan with the recognized consequences and GO! 

No reminders. No nagging.  

Feel free at the launch to tell your kids that there are no reminders and will be no nagging.  If you’re feeling brave, set up a nagging bucket where your kids to call you out on your nagging so that you have to put an agreed amount of money in a bucket.  Your nags can build up over time to a “fun night out” party or “ice cream” trip. 

Step 6: Weekly Check-ins and Celebrations!

Have a family meeting (or one-on-one) after week one. Talk about what worked and what didn’t. Make adjustments. Try again. Celebrate the effort!

Repeat the weekly check-ins each week until bedroom chores become routine.

This tweaking process is SUPER important.  We model for our kids that we can improve things when we try something, and it doesn’t work out perfectly the first time.  I encourage you to keep meeting weekly and tweaking the what and the when and how of all the bedroom area chores.  

But… remember to celebrate! Even the small wins. Especially the small wins. 🎉

This isn’t just about chores — it’s about teamwork, problem-solving, and life skills. It shows our kids that:

• Problems can be solved
• Plans can be adjusted
• Everyone plays a part in making a home run smoothly

And yes, it takes time. But it’s so worth it.

If you’re ready to take that first step — I’m cheering you on! And if you need a little extra support, feel free to email me at mary@parentingdecoded.com. I’d love to help brainstorm with you.